Brilliant Disguise

We all wear disguises.

Some are elaborate, entwined with layers of truth and deception, so closely wound that no one can tell one strain from another.

Not even the wearer of the disguise.

Some are simple, a brief disguise to get out of a meeting, or to say you’re ok, when you’re actually sad,happy, tired, excited, angry, at peace.

I have disguises. You do too. We all do, but Some don’t know they have disguises. They worked on them for too long, without paying attention to where the thread and needle went. Now they are tied up completely, helplessly.

I have many disguises.

One is a brilliant disguise.

For an age, no one would break that brilliant disguise. Until necessity called for the string of deception to be cut. and cut. and cut.

And one day, my brilliant disguise will be gone. A painful yet beautiful truth let loose to a world that burns and punishes the unknown.

I await the final cut. I await a brilliant disguise to become a brilliant truth.

..

part of blogging101, inspired by the given prompt ‘Brilliant Disguise’

on Melancholy.

I’m meant to be working…but I felt like writing something.

Once again, i’m starting this today without knowing what i’m going to write. So whatever jumps into my head first, is going to be what I write about!

I have said before that, like everyone in the world  I imagine, There are some things which I have kept to myself and myself only. Truths and feelings that only I know. I often contemplate whether or not I will ever voice these things – be them the small hidden ideas or something huge and possibly life-changing. Today I’ve been thinking about some of these things again.

Well, the truth is I think about these things every day. Many are rather melancholic, but anyone who read my last post (see here, https://thoughtofvg.wordpress.com/2014/11/16/full-circle/) will know that I feel I gain a lot from melancholy. It’s hard to explain why, but that’s just the case. I might talk about that later, or perhaps on another day.

I won’t say what these things are that I’ve always kept to myself in this blog. In fact, I think the only reason i’m writing about (or rather around) it is that for some reason listening to this song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQmK6nN7bBU made me think it would be a good idea. The title has  a mysterious hopefulness about it.

I’m fully aware i’m rambling. But i’ve decided that I’m allowed to ramble on this blog. I’ll keep concise writing to essays and the like…after all, one of the blogs that affected me the most in the past was simply someone who rambled about everything she could think of, with an unrivaled honesty and intensity. I was often in tears after reading those posts, even on the happier writings, simply because of the intensity of the words.

That leads on nicely onto why I love melancholy so much, despite it seeming completely unreasonable. Melancholy is so much more intense than any other emotion. Maybe it isn’t for everyone. Maybe I use the word melancholy in a different way to the average person. Maybe some people just don’t feel as much.

So here’s a test. I want you to listen to some of this. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOd2x1xxwRE

This, in my eyes is melancholy.

It’s beautiful, yet ugly.

It’s calm, yet violent.

It’s sound, but somehow it has colour.

It’s gloriously ‘happy’ yet painfully ‘sad’.

I guess that’s why the band calls itself ‘this will destroy you’ – because there is so much conflict in the music, but because of that conflict it seems to work so much better at evoking an emotion.

Just look at some of the comments-

 

 

 

 

god damn this music is so inspiring and motivating, i always turn to this album when i have a shit day. it seems to make the stress go away and make everything better.

 

 

 

 

 

just paying my respects to beautiful music. post-rock music is so amazing…

 

 

 

 

 

Perfect music for when you fell alone, hated, or unloved.

 

 

The first few seconds of this album…so powerful.

 

 

 

 

 

Beautiful music to clear your mind and fall asleep to.

The emotions coming from this album are so mixed- somewhere between heartbreak and ecstacy.  It’s, dare I say it, melancholy. For me, I’m both never happier or sadder in that state.

And it’s the greatest feeling there is.

I would even go as far as saying it’s like a drug. I’ve never taken a drug other than alcohol or caffeine  (although some argue that they are two of the most dangerous in some respects – I have no comment on that yet), but I do know for certain that concentrated melancholy brings me hypnogogia (if you aren’t familar with hypnogogic hallucination, here’s a video on it https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ytkw0Hl6NYc) and I see that as a pointer of just how powerful melancholy is.

I started writing on the point of secrets that go unsaid. I decided a few days ago to strive to be more honest, and that is one reason why I decided today to simply just write about the first thought that came to my mind. it’s part, I feel personally, of my attempt to be more honest. I have always been relatively honest – in terms of never lying openly. I accept however that I accept inward lies  all the time and I want to change that.

Because of this, I will be writing now and then about some of these ideas that I keep to myself. I want to be more open about these topics which as of yet I’ve only told a tiny number of people.

I feel that next time, considering how hypnogogia seems to have come up today, that I should probably talk about something related to that.

Whether I ever say a word openly about one of my thoughts however, I don’t know. I’m certainly not brave enough yet.

Dear readers, thank you for stopping by.

 

The simplest things

The simplest things are hard to say;

Always expecting something worse

Than ever happens in reality.

But that won’t stop me being afraid;

As if that passing car’s my hearse

Come early to take me ‘way from reality

 

And every day that you become

Closer to me

You’re finding out I’m not as good

As you thought me to be

And I feel i’m not so far away

from you leaving me

Not turning round to say goodbye

As I drift out to sea

 

The simplest things are hard to say;

But left unsaid the words corrupt

And meddle with my troubled head.

So now I dream of one way trains;

And pointless words and faking laughs

I’m taken ‘way from where I felt misled

 

And every day that you become

Closer to me

You’re finding out I’m not as good

As you thought me to be

And I Feel i’m not so far away

from you leaving me

Not turning round to say goodbye

As I drift out to sea

 

 

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