on Melancholy.

I’m meant to be working…but I felt like writing something.

Once again, i’m starting this today without knowing what i’m going to write. So whatever jumps into my head first, is going to be what I write about!

I have said before that, like everyone in the world  I imagine, There are some things which I have kept to myself and myself only. Truths and feelings that only I know. I often contemplate whether or not I will ever voice these things – be them the small hidden ideas or something huge and possibly life-changing. Today I’ve been thinking about some of these things again.

Well, the truth is I think about these things every day. Many are rather melancholic, but anyone who read my last post (see here, https://thoughtofvg.wordpress.com/2014/11/16/full-circle/) will know that I feel I gain a lot from melancholy. It’s hard to explain why, but that’s just the case. I might talk about that later, or perhaps on another day.

I won’t say what these things are that I’ve always kept to myself in this blog. In fact, I think the only reason i’m writing about (or rather around) it is that for some reason listening to this song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQmK6nN7bBU made me think it would be a good idea. The title has  a mysterious hopefulness about it.

I’m fully aware i’m rambling. But i’ve decided that I’m allowed to ramble on this blog. I’ll keep concise writing to essays and the like…after all, one of the blogs that affected me the most in the past was simply someone who rambled about everything she could think of, with an unrivaled honesty and intensity. I was often in tears after reading those posts, even on the happier writings, simply because of the intensity of the words.

That leads on nicely onto why I love melancholy so much, despite it seeming completely unreasonable. Melancholy is so much more intense than any other emotion. Maybe it isn’t for everyone. Maybe I use the word melancholy in a different way to the average person. Maybe some people just don’t feel as much.

So here’s a test. I want you to listen to some of this. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOd2x1xxwRE

This, in my eyes is melancholy.

It’s beautiful, yet ugly.

It’s calm, yet violent.

It’s sound, but somehow it has colour.

It’s gloriously ‘happy’ yet painfully ‘sad’.

I guess that’s why the band calls itself ‘this will destroy you’ – because there is so much conflict in the music, but because of that conflict it seems to work so much better at evoking an emotion.

Just look at some of the comments-


god damn this music is so inspiring and motivating, i always turn to this album when i have a shit day. it seems to make the stress go away and make everything better.

just paying my respects to beautiful music. post-rock music is so amazing…

Perfect music for when you fell alone, hated, or unloved.

The first few seconds of this album…so powerful.

Beautiful music to clear your mind and fall asleep to.
The emotions coming from this album are so mixed- somewhere between heartbreak and ecstacy.  It’s, dare I say it, melancholy. For me, I’m both never happier or sadder in that state.
And it’s the greatest feeling there is.
I would even go as far as saying it’s like a drug. I’ve never taken a drug other than alcohol or caffeine  (although some argue that they are two of the most dangerous in some respects – I have no comment on that yet), but I do know for certain that concentrated melancholy brings me hypnogogia (if you aren’t familar with hypnogogic hallucination, here’s a video on it https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ytkw0Hl6NYc) and I see that as a pointer of just how powerful melancholy is.
I started writing on the point of secrets that go unsaid. I decided a few days ago to strive to be more honest, and that is one reason why I decided today to simply just write about the first thought that came to my mind. it’s part, I feel personally, of my attempt to be more honest. I have always been relatively honest – in terms of never lying openly. I accept however that I accept inward lies  all the time and I want to change that.
Because of this, I will be writing now and then about some of these ideas that I keep to myself. I want to be more open about these topics which as of yet I’ve only told a tiny number of people.
I feel that next time, considering how hypnogogia seems to have come up today, that I should probably talk about something related to that.
Whether I ever say a word openly about one of my thoughts however, I don’t know. I’m certainly not brave enough yet.
Dear readers, thank you for stopping by.


full circle.

I find it strange that, despite being agnostic, every time I finish a meditation I almost invariably bow my head and say thank you…to something…

Just an odd little musing to begin my little today’s writing with.

I’m really meant to be finishing off an essay for one of my Chinese modules this evening, but as I was walking home from my weekend-ly shop and coffee shop reading stop, I decided that what really clinched a higher point on the importance ladder was actually writing something on the web again.

I’ve been at uni for around 2 months now, and i’ve spent that time breaking the rules of being a student. What on earth do I mean by that?

Firstly, there is a myth that all first years do not in fact do any work.

This is almost true.

There are however some that end up working all the time, and it appears that a happy combination of German and Chinese (with a module in Arabic on the side) kind of forces your free time to take a holiday without you.

I’m actually loving being so busy though. It feels great to never even have a chance of being bored. Sure, I’ve had no time to write this poor, ignored, blog, among other hobbies, but to spend every hour doing things that interest you is awesome.

And that thought brings me round nicely to an interesting fact…

I believe one of the first things I ever wrote about online was the importance of doing what you believe in/have interest in/ are passionate about and how empowering that is. It seems that ideas move in circles, but beautiful, expanding circles that somehow meet again points where they are poignant .

What is poignant about right now for me then?

It’s common (at least for me) for beginning uni students to be asked a difficult questions by their peers on an almost daily basis – “so what do you want to do in the future?”

Some have a clear goal. Other’s have a rough idea. Yet more have no idea whatsoever.

It’s a good question though, and one that I’ve answered with numerous answers, depending on what feels right. Sometimes the answer of “I don’t really know” seems right. Sometimes to declare my goals as “either being in academia, journalism or politics” is my response.

Other times the answer is ‘I want to be happy’.

Just so you, as the reader, know, I ‘ll interject on my own writing here and say that I didn’t begin writing today with any set goal as such on where my writing would lead, so apologies if this all seems disjointed. I will post this as soon as I’ve finished writing rather than proof-reading. It just seems right today to do so. This is therefore a semi-disclaimer for disjointed content!

The truth is, I have many loose goals, enclosed by the last one – to be happy.

and that, is perhaps why everything around me currently seems so poignant. I’m at university – it’s a big change. I’m doing something I really care about – that’s a big deal. I’ve come back from life changing experiences from living in far-western China for a year – that’s of huge important. I’m now also in the position to look back on that in retrospect – that is definitely, without a doubt a huge deal.

So yes, it seems that in hindsight to the beginnings of this blog i have come full circle. But that would suggest that i’m back at a rhetorical ‘square one’, surely?

I’m not ashamed to say that when I started writing this blog, I was in a dark dark place. I used to suffer from severe depression, which I only ever told one person the majority of. I didn’t even tell him everything, as despite not being depressed anymore, I keep some secrets to myself (as some of my friends will be aware of – trying to work out the enigma that is me!). I’m definitely not back to this point, and although I would never try to erase my days of depression – it made me who I am – I don’t want to ever go back to that abyss.

I have however held onto part of my depression – melancholy. Melancholy makes me happiest. Perhaps it’s seems totally wrong for that to be the case, but even great artists of the past have accepted melancholy as not just an interesting concept to explore, but essential for expression. In a way, I see my years of depression as now being essential to being as happy as I can be. Whether you can share this opinion or not, there is no way you can have such an intense form of happiness without melancholy. So I hold that it seems things have come full circle, but those

circles are growing wider, more open, more all-encompassing.

Like a good, deep meditation.

And so this post too comes full circle.

Which makes it the perfect time to end.

I leave you with a picture of this time last year. Near the edge of western China, where it meets the stans. Yining, Xinjiang province.

Yining, Xinjiang province China

Yining, Xinjiang province China













Thank you for reading, have a wonderful day.